Sometimes I can not help but let my inner bitch out. She pesters and pesters until eventually I have had enough. I found a listing on Patreon (a website for funding creatives) that has provided much amusement for my husband and myself. My inner bitch wouldn’t leave me in peace until I wrote my own Patreon funding plea.
The Original Patreon Plea
This travel blogger (who shall remain nameless) is looking to have her travel funded. I feel a little bad for snarking on this kid who sounds just a little entitled. She used to be an investment banker but prefers to be a travel adventurer.
Why is she looking for funding?
All of her travel has been done for YOUR benefit so you really should cough up some money. (This approach seems very similar to the guilt-trip mothers use – I know it well!). In fact, you are really just spending money now to get tips for your future travel so that you may save money in the long-term.
She has some worthy goals. I’ve heard that Solange Knowles had a professional photographer do her Instagram shots on her honeymoon and they are indeed fabulous. Of course, she also wants to create better content for YOU. Don’t forget, it’s all about you in the end of the day.
What do you get for your contributions? A long-distance friendship and lots of global tat. Presumably you could also just go on Ebay or Etsy and save on the international shipping costs but then you would be missing out on helping yourself.
I can’t believe she’s actually got 6 patrons. It seems like a sweet gig. Much better than working 60 hours+/week as an investment banker.
My Patreon Plea
Of course, I had to create my own Patreon post. If there are fools willing to be parted from their money, no reason I shouldn’t get some of it. I’ve got needs too.
Are you in?
Our dream is to spend 6 months travelling the world as a family staying at the best family-friendly hotels in the world. We are realistic and intend to fly only British Airways Business Class (not First Class). We will finally then also have enough mileage points to qualify for British Airways lifetime gold cards for all of us.
We, however, need help funding this dream trip because all of our money is tied up in real estate investments and our financial advisors do not want us to divest any of our stock portfolio. Our parents unhelpfully insist on remaining alive so we have not gotten our inheritances yet.
In return for your generosity, you get a first-hand look at how family travel can be done in the lap of luxury. In case you think family travel is difficult, it really isn’t. You just need the right support network around you so that you don’t actually have to deal with your children.
I quit work after I had the twins so that I could better supervise the nanny who was taking care of them. I also needed to return to regular body maintenance so that my husband would not fall for the enticements of a secretary/intern or any other money-grubbing ho he would meet through work.
Our needs are simple.
I would like to hire a tutor who can accompany us on a round-the-world trip because I simply can not be bothered with homeschooling. Besides, I don’t want the children to fall behind little Tarquin or Portia when they return to their expensive private school. Our tutor would need to be well-educated (Oxford, Cambridge or an Ivy League) and fluent in several languages. I speak nothing but English and it would be useful to have someone who can translate exactly what I want to the hotel spa therapists.
Any extra money will go towards funding our very cool trip.
What I want to offer YOU:
For $100 a month, we can send you a selfie of the kids and their tutor.
For $250 a month, we can send you (i) the selfie mentioned previously and (ii) a photograph of the tutor (male or female) in whatever Sports Illustrated swimsuit model pose you choose.
For $500 a month, both previous benefits as well as a video of the children singing you happy birthday on your ACTUAL birthday. Don’t fret if in the video you are named as ‘grandma’ because we are strong believers in recycling of all kinds.
For $750 a month, all of the previous benefits PLUS one original, handmade, unique piece of artwork created and signed by the children.
For $1000 a month, all of the above benefits PLUS a large swag bag of hotel soaps and shampoos we have filched from whatever hotels we are staying at (to be equivalent to the Four Seasons, Ritz Carlton or likewise).
For $2000 a month, all of the above benefits PLUS the large bag of hotel goodies shall include shoe horns, shoe polish kits and sewing kits.
In case you weren’t sure, the above advert is satire but the following message isn’t:
If you feel like donating to a worthy cause, please consider BoNGO Worldwide, a small Czech NGO in Malawi which is doing a lot of good for the kids in that country. They are a charity which puts the school curriculum on the walls of the classroom so that all children can benefit.
Many Malawi students can’t afford their schoolbooks and this way they won’t need to buy their own. I will write about it further in another post but am waiting to get some more photographs from my friends who have worked with BoNGO.